Love and Other Monsters: Raising the Bar on Self-Worth

Think love doesn’t matter when it comes to your body image?

heart-shaped love tree in a field with red flowers

Imagine if the next wedding you went to sounded like this:

Friends, family, co-workers, obligatory guests, and casual acquaintances—

We are gathered here today to witness the contractual commitment of two people who grudgingly admitted that their mutual tolerance for each other was marginally preferable to living alone. As they combine domestic responsibilities, we nod in agreement that this is a valid choice, and wish them a minimal amount of success in their new joint venture.

Think about your reaction if a real estate agent introduced a piece of property this way:

Here we have a house. The asking price reflects the median amount of money required for a residential building in this area. The features are adequate, and it contains all the walls, windows, and doors necessary to distinguish it from a livestock barn. You will be sheltered from the elements if you live in this house, and I recommend doing so because winter is coming.

The Problematic Problem of Self-Love

I’ve come across several articles recently that suggest that this is the best we can hope for when it comes to loving our bodies. Self-love, I’m told, is flawed at best and harmful at worst because individual solutions to systemic oppression does not lead to liberation, and mental illness can make the struggle to simply provide basic self-care as survival next to impossible.

And I don’t disagree with either stance.

I also support with the idea, argued by both of the authors above in different ways, that the kind of self-love espoused by consumer body positivity and mainstream media is NOT its definition, an end goal to aspire to, or the ultimate measure of “love your body” success.

I used to think that ACCEPTANCE was the best we could hope for when it comes to body confidence. I assumed that self-love was too lofty and too mysterious and too individual to be able to say that it’s a good way to approach health and wellness decisions.

Self-acceptance may be a good place to start especially if “love” feels too intimate or impossible, but is it enough?

I don’t think so.

If we want to get academic about it, love as an action can range from being defined as “to feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to” or “to like very much.” Is that too much to ask of ourselves, that we like our bodies enough to care for them?

animated gif of women with different body types as superheroes flying away

Self-love is a way to think about health and wellness (broadly defined) that supports the kind of life you want to It’s time to raise our expectations of what it means to relate to our bodies in a loving way.

To be clear, I’m not talking about self-care practices when you’re dealing with an active mental illness like depression, anxiety, or an eating disorder. I’m talking about the general malaise many women have come to expect when thinking about body image and body confidence—the ho hum, “I guess I can learn to love my thighs,” shrug—as better because it doesn’t mean you hate yourself. I reject the idea of self-love as resigned tolerance.

Loving You Is Easy ‘Cause You’re Beautiful

Go find your favorite meditation on love. Maybe it’s 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 or a poem by Rumi or a pop song. Put yourself in it just for a second. How would your life be different if you loved yourself like that? What choices would you make in all areas of your life that honor the love you have to share with the world?

Carole King’s song “Beautiful” is my favorite meditation on love right now.

You’ve got to get up every morning

With a smile on your face

And show the world all the love in your heart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y77HwJzOv0o

 

Because that’s what it’s all about, right? Self-love is an expression of your spirit, and that spirit is good and righteous and worthy of space. Let’s say YES to wholehearted and joyful living that starts with basic respect and care for our bodies and the bodies of others.

Self-love makes it possible to do things like ask for what you need, set boundaries, take your medication consistently, wear your seatbelt, exercise, ask for a hug when you need one, get a message, smile more often, choose clothes that fit well (and get them tailored if they don’t), do meaningful work, eat food without judgment, sit comfortably in public spaces, get out of your comfort zone, and just plain enjoy being alive.

Because as my spiritual advisor Pitbull says, “Every day above ground is a great day, remember that.”

With love,
Kate

 

Want to work with me to level up your body image? My Self Love Squad is committed to the nitty gritty of practicing body confidence as a way to show up wholeheartedly, and we have fun doing it. Find out more about how you can join us at katebrowne.net/squad

Everyday Perspective: Object Lesson

Ever since I started doing mindset work on perspective, I’m often stopped in my tracks when I stumble across lessons in everyday life. Here are two from this morning:

Lesson One: Running in the Background

I listen to Pandora during my workday. I keep it running on a tab while I do other things. This morning, I clicked over to let Pandora know I was listening, and the next song to come on was People, the Vehicles by Maritime, one of my very favorite songs in the whole wide world. Yay! Then I clicked back to what I was doing. A few minutes later, I realized I wasn’t hearing my song. My first thought was that Pandora crashed (frustration, resentment that I had to stop what I was doing to check on it.)

screencap of a Pandora station playing "We, the Vehicles" by Maritime
Yes, my station is called Kate MegaMix

Then I realized that my speakers were muted. I’d answered my phone and hit mute on my keyboard. So, my first reaction was to immediately deflect responsibility away from me AND missed almost the whole song which was running in the background anyway EVEN THOUGH I COULDN’T HEAR IT. Maybe I’ve had too much coffee today, but this struck me as deeply profound. Just because we’re not tuned in to something great doesn’t mean it’s not happening around us. You have to turn the volume up on the good stuff.

Lesson Two: 90 Degrees

I cleaned out my office, which was a major accomplishment for me. I wanted to find a new home for my Sharpies. I had a container to repurpose. Except it has a bunch of holes in the bottom…

Argh! I started in on this little mini-spiral of frustration because this wasn’t working and what else was I going to do with this container and I really want my markers in something and…

Sharpies in a container

Oh. All I had to do was rotate the markers. Perfect fit. So, maybe the solution you’re looking for is already there–you just need to look at it in a different way to change your perspective.