Love and Other Monsters: Raising the Bar on Self-Worth

Think love doesn’t matter when it comes to your body image?

heart-shaped love tree in a field with red flowers

Imagine if the next wedding you went to sounded like this:

Friends, family, co-workers, obligatory guests, and casual acquaintances—

We are gathered here today to witness the contractual commitment of two people who grudgingly admitted that their mutual tolerance for each other was marginally preferable to living alone. As they combine domestic responsibilities, we nod in agreement that this is a valid choice, and wish them a minimal amount of success in their new joint venture.

Think about your reaction if a real estate agent introduced a piece of property this way:

Here we have a house. The asking price reflects the median amount of money required for a residential building in this area. The features are adequate, and it contains all the walls, windows, and doors necessary to distinguish it from a livestock barn. You will be sheltered from the elements if you live in this house, and I recommend doing so because winter is coming.

The Problematic Problem of Self-Love

I’ve come across several articles recently that suggest that this is the best we can hope for when it comes to loving our bodies. Self-love, I’m told, is flawed at best and harmful at worst because individual solutions to systemic oppression does not lead to liberation, and mental illness can make the struggle to simply provide basic self-care as survival next to impossible.

And I don’t disagree with either stance.

I also support with the idea, argued by both of the authors above in different ways, that the kind of self-love espoused by consumer body positivity and mainstream media is NOT its definition, an end goal to aspire to, or the ultimate measure of “love your body” success.

I used to think that ACCEPTANCE was the best we could hope for when it comes to body confidence. I assumed that self-love was too lofty and too mysterious and too individual to be able to say that it’s a good way to approach health and wellness decisions.

Self-acceptance may be a good place to start especially if “love” feels too intimate or impossible, but is it enough?

I don’t think so.

If we want to get academic about it, love as an action can range from being defined as “to feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to” or “to like very much.” Is that too much to ask of ourselves, that we like our bodies enough to care for them?

animated gif of women with different body types as superheroes flying away

Self-love is a way to think about health and wellness (broadly defined) that supports the kind of life you want to It’s time to raise our expectations of what it means to relate to our bodies in a loving way.

To be clear, I’m not talking about self-care practices when you’re dealing with an active mental illness like depression, anxiety, or an eating disorder. I’m talking about the general malaise many women have come to expect when thinking about body image and body confidence—the ho hum, “I guess I can learn to love my thighs,” shrug—as better because it doesn’t mean you hate yourself. I reject the idea of self-love as resigned tolerance.

Loving You Is Easy ‘Cause You’re Beautiful

Go find your favorite meditation on love. Maybe it’s 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 or a poem by Rumi or a pop song. Put yourself in it just for a second. How would your life be different if you loved yourself like that? What choices would you make in all areas of your life that honor the love you have to share with the world?

Carole King’s song “Beautiful” is my favorite meditation on love right now.

You’ve got to get up every morning

With a smile on your face

And show the world all the love in your heart


Because that’s what it’s all about, right? Self-love is an expression of your spirit, and that spirit is good and righteous and worthy of space. Let’s say YES to wholehearted and joyful living that starts with basic respect and care for our bodies and the bodies of others.

Self-love makes it possible to do things like ask for what you need, set boundaries, take your medication consistently, wear your seatbelt, exercise, ask for a hug when you need one, get a message, smile more often, choose clothes that fit well (and get them tailored if they don’t), do meaningful work, eat food without judgment, sit comfortably in public spaces, get out of your comfort zone, and just plain enjoy being alive.

Because as my spiritual advisor Pitbull says, “Every day above ground is a great day, remember that.”

With love,


Want to work with me to level up your body image? My Self Love Squad is committed to the nitty gritty of practicing body confidence as a way to show up wholeheartedly, and we have fun doing it. Find out more about how you can join us at

Radical Visibility and the Myth of the Bikini Body

The idea of a “bikini body” is a grand metaphor for a body worthy of being seen. Slenderella International, a short-lived chain of weight loss salons, popularized the phrase in 1961. The company ran a series of ads in major newspapers like the New York Times and the Washington Post. “Summer’s wonderful fun is for those who look young,” they claimed. “High firm bust — hand span waist — trim, firm hips — slender graceful legs — a Bikini body!”

Hand. Span. Waist.

You might be rolling your eyes and feeling a little nauseous at that line, but I bet you also believe in the bikini body.

I know you do. Just a little bit. A hand span’s worth.

How could you not? It’s been part of the American culture imagination for over 50 years. Two generations and counting of an unshakable commitment to doling out access to beaches and sunshine based on how young, light, tight, tanned, and firm women’s bodies look.

I could talk all day about how the bikini body ideal has deeply hurt women by perpetuating a cycle of self-hate and socialized body surveillance, but that’s been done better elsewhere at places like Everyday Feminism (here, here, and here) and Fit Is a Feminist Issue. This delightful video from Bustle takes it a step further by modeling what a multi-variant body pool party might look like (p.s. I want to go there!)

But there’s something about the bikini body clapback that bothers me.

For some reason, #bodypositivity has taken up the Unconditional Bikini Body as the ultimate symbol of self-acceptance and body love. The message, even from well meaning and woke feminists, is that wearing a bikini in public is the most radical resistance to aspirational beauty ideals, body shaming, and the patriarchy itself. For some women, doing the emotional work to rock a two-piece in the body they have now might be a valuable and righteous form of self-expression. For others, you might as well suggest that they take a rowboat to the moon: an impossible, unappealing, and absurd task.

Bikinis, as a piece of clothing, aren’t even available to all women. Some women choose not to wear them for religious reasons, they aren’t available in all sizes, and prosthetics/medical accessories don’t always jive with a more revealing swimsuit style.

When you give one act of resistance such symbolic power, those who can’t or don’t want to are left out. It doesn’t mean these women don’t love themselves enough, or that their choice *must* by a by-product of internalized oppression.

blonde woman shaking her head surrounded by the word no

That’s where I think our love affair with the Unconditional Bikini Body can really go off the rails—when women are pressured to perform radical self-love without acknowledging and attending to the risks that come with it. For many women, being visible is a vulnerable act because they have been told over and over and over throughout their lives that there are certain bodies that shouldn’t be seen. When you come to understand your relationship to the world in this environment, you know, without ever even stepping in front of a fitting room mirror, when your body does not fit the criteria. So, for lots of women, the possibility of wearing a bikini in public has always been a row to the moon.

I understand, appreciate, and commend feminist endeavors to reassure women that the bikini body is a myth and that all bodies deserve the right to be visible. But it makes no sense to me to suggest that women should feel empowered and free to wear any piece of clothing, let alone such a revealing one, without being really, really clear about what exactly makes visibility so radical.

I adore looking at pics of women on IG crushing it with mad poolside style in their Unconditional Bikini Body because representation matters. If “wear a bikini to the beach” is something you want to do, it can feel so good to see someone who looks like you doing the thing. But posting on social media requires an incredibly high level of resilience that isn’t readily available to most women. Modeling what a shame-free culture could look like—in all its stretch mark, cellulite, belly roll glory—is admirable not because these women are “brave enough” to be seen, but because they are doing the emotional work it takes to be visible in a body they have been told does not deserve to be seen. They show, by their presence in our real life and online spaces, that resistance to diet culture is possible in this very specific way.

Wearing a bikini doesn’t make you invisible. It does not give you immunity from other people’s diet culture cruelty through special No Fucks Given superpowers. Just because the beachy beauties of IG give us the gift of radical visibility doesn’t mean that anyone has an obligation to wear a seashell bra this summer, nor should we assume that women who do love themselves more than those who don’t.

It doesn’t matter if you can’t wait to hit the beach in your bikini this summer or look forward to beating the heat from the comfort of the air conditioning, because we all have a responsibility to talk about our bodies and the bodies of others in a way that supports inclusion and safety in all our public spaces. It’s not up to the individual woman to summon her own bravery and wear the bikini–it’s up to all of us all year long to show up for radical visibility.


I am committed to supporting every woman out there living in the Northern hemisphere who has a visibility goal this summer. No more #suffersummer! If you’ve been avoiding warm weather outdoor activities because you’re afraid of being seen, I want you to join my upcoming Show Up for Summer program. Sign up below to be the first to know when it drops (it’s coming soon!). I’m rooting for you!



Robb, Alice. “Why Can’t We Stop Talking About Bikini Bodies?” The Cut 23 July 2014.

Work Worth Doing: Self-Care as Activism

It’s a strange time to deposit a literature PhD dissertation.

I finished the final draft in the last hours of 2016, nearly crushed by the weight of the knowledge that the project I poured every available ounce of my energy into for the past 5 years means very little in the grand scheme of things.

Who cares about diet culture when human rights are increasingly at risk?

And yet, diet culture is nothing but human rights.

Diet culture seeks to strip us of autonomy, of connection, of pleasure, and of potential. Among other things. It is not a separate entity from racism, misogyny, transphobia, disability discrimination, and reproductive rights (as none of these exist separately from each other). Indeed, the personal is very much political.

And yet, I spent nearly the entire day after the Women’s March on Washington feeling like I’d done less than I could because I didn’t march. Instead, I updated my website and planned my forthcoming online course for body image renegades. It seemed like small, insignificant work. I wondered if I should quit to do bigger, bolder, more “political” work.

In these moments of crisis, I turn–as I always do–to smarter women. I needed two this time.

First, I turned to Betty White, who refused to be baited by Katie Couric in an interview about our starkly divided nation.


We’re not in the best place we’ve ever been. That’s the time to buckle down and really work positively as much as you can. Instead of saying, ‘Oh, this is terrible. He’s terrible,’ just think, ‘All right, there’s nothing I can do about that right now. But I can do the best in my little circle. So if I do that, maybe you’ll do your best. And we’ll get through this.’

We all have to choose where we put our energy, and sometimes that leads to a sense of helplessness when we can’t affect change in all the areas that need it. And, sometimes the reach of our energy seems small, especially when we see others doing more public activism. If you feel like that too, listen to Betty–if you do your best, that might help someone do their best. And that’s worth a lot.

Then, I took that bit of wisdom and combined it with the words of Audre Lorde, one of the first black women whose writing had a profound impact on my worldview. In a well-known quote about self-care from the epilogue of A Burst of Light, Lorde denies self-care as an indulgence (aka the self-care of White Feminism), insisting instead on its inherent value as bodily preservation to be an act of “political warfare.”

Quote from Audre Lorde: caring for myself is not a self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare."

If you’ve never read this quote before, I’d like to ask you to read it again. Slowly. Carefully. There are many interpretations for this quote, but for me the most important message is that when powerful people and institutions want to destroy your body–and “destroy” is meant very literally–caring for that body is an act of resistance akin to political warfare.

I also turned to one of my favorite parts of Lorde’s The Cancer Journals, a book that is on my must-read list for anyone, ever:

Each of us is here now because in one way or another we share a commitment to language and to the power of language, and to the reclaiming of that language which has been made to work against us. In the transformation of silence into language and action, it is vitally necessary for each one of us to establish or examine her function in that transformation, and to recognize her role as vital within that transformation.

For those of us who write, it is necessary to scrutinize not only the truth of what we speak, but the truth of that language by which we speak it. For others, it is to share and spread also those words that are meaningful to us. But primarily for us all, it is necessary to teach by living and speaking those truths which we believe and know beyond understanding. Because in this way alone we can survive, by taking part in a process of life that is creative and continuing, that is growth.

Emphasis mine.

It is necessary to teach by living.

So, doing the best in my circle to teach by living means:

animation of a heart shaped, cartoon burger being assembled and winking

I’ll do the best I can. You do the best you can. The work is worth doing and it matters. Your work is enough.


p.s. the links to Lorde’s books are affiliate links. Audre Lorde’s books are also available at many public and university libraries.

p.p.s. My online course, Already Extraordinary, is going to be INCREDIBLE. Sign up below if you want to be the first to know when it’s ready. 

What to Do When You’re Feeling Funky-in-a-bad-way

I have a secret to share with you. Even the proudest, boldest, no-fucks-givenest person you know has times when their body image does not serve them.* Those bummer feelings may last for just a moment or persist for a few years, but it’s more common than Instagram would have you believe.

I’m an expert on positive body image, and I’m okay saying that I’m having one of those low tide times right now. So far, it’s lasted about a weekend–two days longer than I care for these feelings to last. When I feel icky about myself, feelings of jealousy spike HARD. I have heart-wrenching, tear-welling feelings of jealousy for everyone who can run faster, lift stronger, or wear bold patterns better than I do. Which, of course, seems like pretty much everyone I know. I’m left feeling lower than low.

animated image of a child with blue hair and red glasses standing on a playground set underneath a stormy sky

The good news is that because I’ve been working on my body image for YEARS, I have a lot of tools I can use to bolster myself in these times. Read on for three ideas that can help you when you’re visiting Funkytown:

1. Nothing

That’s right. You heard me. Do nothing. Barring any situation in which you require the assistance of a mental health professional,** one valid option for dealing with negative feelings is to sit with them and know they will eventually pass. It’s a big part of my strategy this time around. I know this is a temporary feeling because I’ve been here before and made it through, and I’ll be here again. It’s often hard to sit with feelings, so don’t worry if this seems too daunting and that you’re desperate for some kind of action that will make you feel better. If you’d like to try it out though, here are some ideas for how to sit with feelings.

2. Breathe

Take a deep breath. Again. Aaaaaand again. Maybe one more time. I find that a few focused breaths can break a cycle of negative thoughts, which can lead to different and better actions. For example, if I start to feel jealous (and accompanying shame, self-doubt, and sadness) when someone posts a pic of a new PR, a few deep breaths can help me gain some perspective like, “That person worked hard for their PR, and I’m wasting a lot of energy feeling jealous.” Hitting “Like” or sending a congratulatory comment is a much better course of action than, say, beating myself up about not sticking to my running training plan. And letting someone know I’m happy for them has never made me feel any worse about myself.

3. Social media blackout

Oh, the siren song of the timeline to fuel your already heated feelings. I get it. There’s something about doing something you know will hurt you in the end that just really gets to the core of this cycle. It’s like scratching a mosquito bite until it bleeds–causes even more pain, delays healing, but it feels so good. But please, log off. Delete the apps from your phone if you have to. Just stay away. Nothing positive can come from trolling your own timeline looking for reasons to be mad at yourself. “But…but…” you say, “I just need something to distract me from my thoughts!” Okay, you got me. Here’s an extra idea:


4. Watch Pharrell’s “Happy” music video

There are lots of songs and movies and videos that make me smile no matter how I feel, but I recommend the music video for “Happy” for body image blues because it shows lots of different types of bodies moving joyfully. If you don’t like the song (which I happen to love, but to each their own), put it on mute or play another song over it and just watch the video. You might even be tempted to be-bop along…

For extra laughs, check out Weird Al’s parody “Tacky” with some of my favorite comedians: ***

I hope this helped give you some ideas for what to do to start re-claiming your awesome. I’m rooting for you!

animated image of Patrick the Starfish wearing a green hat and holding a penent and a foam finger

*I try to avoid the phrase “bad body image” because I want to avoid binaries like good/bad when possible. Body image is always more complex than that.

**What I’m talking about in this post are typical, run-of-the-mill feelings that impact self-esteem. If you are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please seek out a qualified mental health professional. For more information, visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline page:

***I finally saw Weird Al in concert last year, and he recreated the video IN THE THEATER. It was one of the best live performances I’ve ever seen.